Attack of the Lava and Other Poems
by Anakin McFly
Summary: Anakin Skywalker burnt by lava... English Language avenges itself on Yoda... the Bunsen burner strikes back... Star Wars poetry standards die... Limerick attack! And more. UPDATED
1. Attack of the Lava

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. 

I just went to watch Revenge of the Sith, and me and my friend came up with this poem; a third person chipped in some.

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ATTACK OF THE LAVA

**

Anakin Skywalker burnt by lava   
Fangirls shriek and run away   
Obi-Wan said that he once loved ya   
Don't you think he might be gay? 

Anakin Skywalker burnt by lava   
Obi flies to higher ground   
Features messed up more by Java   
Anakin is asthma-bound. 

Anakin Skywalker burnt by lava   
Cannibals smack their lips in joy   
'Cause he's roasted, good to eat, ya?   
What a funny little boy. 

Anakin Skywalker burnt by lava   
Now he's known as Vader dude   
He is evil, muahahaha   
Vader's got real attitude. 

Anakin Skywalker burnt by lava   
Padme asks if he's okay   
Tiny twins don't know their papa   
Star Wars 3 came out in May. 

Anakin Skywalker burnt by lava   
And this poem doesn't make sense   
It doesn't make much dollars eitha   
And the rhyming's kind of dead. 

**THE END**

Review! ;P 


	2. Revenge of the Sonneteer and the Return ...

Disclaimer: Don't own Star Wars. 

Thanks for your reviews! ;P I'd never expected that many... so here's two more. I'm planning six in total.

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**REVENGE OF THE SONNETEER**

In sooth, I know not why he speaks like that.  
A Jedi should be understood by most  
Most students of the Force are so, but yet  
This Jedi Master in that cannot boast.  
Old age, it may have addled Yoda's brain  
Or learning Jedi ways hath made him mad  
But it gives English teachers lots of pain  
Because his sentence structure's kind of sad.  
Each utt'rance chopped in two and swapped around  
What a feat of language acrobatics  
Perhaps he knows not how weird he doth sound  
Or else he only speaks like that for kicks  
A lost case, this Jedi Master Yoda  
Perhaps that's why they left him on Dagobah.

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**RETURN OF THE INFINITE IMPROBABILITY DRIVE**

TIE fighters are tied up  
In that hangar over there  
Luke Skywalker's lost  
Every piece of his underwear.  
Lightsaber self-activated  
And fell on someone's head,  
The head of Osama B.L.  
So now that fella's dead.

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Okay... I was going to type review replies for everyone, but then realised that in the end they were longer than the chapter itself. That tends to annoy some people, so... just a thanks to **Favourite, Miss Piratess, Goddess of the Neon Rose, ultra-violet catastrophe, streetpanther, Zazzie, Jackie, De-Femme, MicroCHips, Countess Jackman, Dani3, BeaumontRulz, kyLaaa, Trinity Day, Labrat-Speedy, Insane Kawaii Shippo-Chan, Silver-Kalan, Banksie, Padfoot Reincarnated and Mei-Zhen and Wolverina.**

For those people who asked stuff or to whom I want to tell stuff: 

**HyperCaz**: There are better poems out there, trust me. ;P There's this fic in my favourites list that's called A Mary Sue Alphabet or something like that... it's good. 

**Empress of the Eclipse**: 'SPORFLE'? What's that mean? 

**Grim Reaper**: Java is a computer editing programme, ergo 'features messed up more by Java' just means that his features were heavily edited. 

**scrb3331**: You actually shrieked? In the cinema? What did other people say? ;p 

**Melenna**: Okay, I won't diss them. :D 

**The Hobbit Lass**: What bald woman? ;P Thanks for reviewing! 


	3. The Bunsen Burner Strikes Back

Disclaimer: Don't own Star Wars, probably never will. 

Here's another poem... ;P. I watched _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ two days ago, so I'm feeling happy and froody now. (If you're a Hitchhiker's fan, go check out 'So Long, And Thanks For All the Phish' by Ol' Janx Spiriteers; it's a H2G2 e-mail fic that me and my friends wrote. We want reviews. :D)

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**THE BUNSEN BURNER STRIKES BACK**

It was a science lesson at the Jedi Academy  
The students in the science lab having fun with Chemistry  
They used their Force powers, made the test tubes float around  
Now and then they'd slip, and liquids splattered to the ground  
Luke Skywalker watched as they all did titration  
Little faces screwed up in deep concentration  
Then they tried their hands at crystallisation  
Salt from solution through evaporation  
The Bunsen burners had to come on now  
But Jacen Solo wasn't quite sure how  
He turned on the gas, grabbed the lighter  
Clicked it; suddenly there was quite a  
Scary stream of heat and green light  
That gave poor 'lil Jacen a fright  
The Bunsen burner went screeeeeeee  
Jacen backed away and he  
Called for help. "Uncle Luke!"  
Luke sighed. "What now?" "Look!"  
Bunsen burner  
Now strike backer  
All a  
Round the  
Room.  
BOOM! 

**THE END**

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Random note: The first two lines had 14 syllables, the next two had 13, next two had 12 and so on... 

Review!

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Once again, **HyperCaz, The Hobbit Lass, Ainahim, Padfoot Reincarnated** - thanks for reviewing! 

And for the rest of you: 

**ultra-violet-catastrophy:** You cried in the cinema? Oookay. Uh, it's spelt 'Obi-Wan', and yeah, I like him too. ;P Oh, and do you know that the two actors who played Obi-Wan were born within three days of each other? Ewan Gordon McGregor was born on 31st May, and Sir Alec Guinness was born on 2nd April 1914 (and died on 5 August 2000). Um, and it's spelt catastrophe, actually, not catastrophy... not that it matters. :D 

**Countess Jackman:** What's wrong with the way Yoda talks? Like it, I do... Strange, your English teacher is. 

**scrb3331:** Yeah! Hitchhiker's:D Have you seen the movie yet? It's not a good idea to shriek in the cinema... the last time I did that was during Matrix Revolutions, when the oboe solo started... (DON DAVIS!) ...people thought I was weird, because most of them wondered what I was shrieking at because most of them probably didn't recognise an oboe solo. Anyway. Yeah. 

**Raablyn:** I was looking through your bio - which is kind of long - and there was this part near the front: _'Lolth: Signaporian Flying Squirrels'_. Uh, did you mean 'Singaporean Flying Squirrels'? Because, um, yeah, I live in Singapore (Darn. Now everyone knows where I live.), and I was just wondering. And I didn't know there were flying squirrels here, but maybe there are and I just keep mistaking them for normal squirrels. 

**Melenna:** Go watch it! It's good. Thanks for reviewing! 


	4. The Phantom Poet

Disclaimer: Star Wars belongs to George Walton Lucas Jr. and friends. Not me. Nuh-uh.

(If anyone wants to know the full names of 42 celebrities, go to _They've Got Mail_ Chapter 25 and scroll down. (Two I forgot to add in to that list: John Christopher Depp II and Zooey Claire Deschanel.)_They've Got Mail_ is basically this massive crossover between Back to the Future, The Matrix, Star Wars, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, The Frighteners, Star Trek: Original Series, The Lord of the Rings and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It starts out with not much of a plot, until chapter 14 when a bunch of movie characters get zapped into the real world. Multiple same-actor crossover; I initially wanted to add in Indiana Jones and get him and Han Solo together, but the story didn't allow that. If you like that sort of thing, go read. ;P

Back to the poem...

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**THE PHANTOM POET**

A long time ago, on the planet of Tatooine  
There lived a young slave boy, and his name was Anakeen.  
The Star Wars fans cringed at the horrible misspelling  
And vowed to kill the poet for not knowing such a thing  
For obviously the poet had not done any researching.  
Either that, or decided that 'Anakeen' rhymed with 'Tatooine'  
Better than 'Anakin', and was just  
Too lazy to rewrite the first line  
And then find a better,  
Canonically correct,  
Word  
To rhyme with it.  
Such are the falling standards of _Star Wars_ fan poetry.  
(The poet would also like to take this time to  
Point out the wonderful alliteration at  
Line ten of this poem.)  
Then the poet  
Rereads the poem  
And conclusively concludes that the whole thing  
Is actually kind of crap,  
And should be scrapped,  
And those previous two lines don't really  
Rhyme anyway,  
And this is all a huge waste of time  
When, by right, the poet should be  
Studying  
Or at least doing something  
More useful  
Than writing a bad _Star Wars_ poem  
Which has increasingly  
Less and less to do with _Star Wars_  
In much the same way that the  
_Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ trilogy  
Got increasingly less and less of a trilogy  
With each new book.  
So the poet  
Stops writing.  
There.

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Okay, I guess that one wasn't that good; I'll try to make up for it in the next one. Review!

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Thanks for reviewing - **The Hobbit Lass** (yep, there'll be more), **Anakin-Padme** (everyone seems to like that stanza most), **Dovasary** (nope, nothing wrong with crying in a theatre. ;P Chicken grease?), **Crossbow** (sporflefunny? How? ;P), **Black Pheonix** (ooh. Mysterious screaming fangirls...), **scrb3331** (yeah, the movie has a plot. Which is just wrong. But it was nice anyway), **Melenna** (So did you cook for your aunt?), **Countess Jackman** (updated!), **wraithgirl** (ok, continuing!) and **ChibiAngel386** (yeah, the first one was still the best.) 

**HyperCaz:** What did you do to the Bunsen burner? Once my classmate stuffed bits of paper down one when our lesson was over. Dunno what happened to the next person who used it.  
**Asha Ice:** :high fives: Hey, you're from RGS? Uh, do you know a Sec 4 clarinetist in the school band named Jasmine? She was my friend from RGPS. Go stalk her. ;P  
**Relyan**: You've seen The Last Starfighter too? Wow. You're the first person I know who's watched it too. It inspired one of my original novels that got stopped halfway due to writer's block.  
**tuathafaerie**: Yeah, I've read the Hitchhiker's trilogy - all five parts of it, plus the short story. ;p Yoda looked better in Ep 3 compared to the original trilogy.


	5. Limerick Attack!

Disclaimer: Mine, Star Wars is not. 

There will be more poems, eventually; probably more than six, but I don't think I'll be able to post much soon because I'm supposed to be studying for my O Level prelim exam. 

I just watched 10 minutes of _Constantine_ some days ago before my parents gave up on the grounds that it was too depressing and went to watch something else. Anyone seen it? Is it worth continuing? 

Someone wanted limericks... so here they are! With two haikus.

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**HAIKUS**

Search your feelings, Luke  
Or I will do it for you.  
You wouldn't want that. 

xxxxxx 

Yoda is greenish   
And he's also kind of short.   
Funny little guy. 

xxxxxx 

**LIMERICK ATTACK!**

There was a young Jedi named Kevin   
Who stayed on the fourth moon of Yavin   
He walked out the door   
And saw a rancor   
And chased after it with a javelin. 

xxxxxx 

There was an old Jedi called Yoda   
Who lived on the planet Dagobah   
One day he did brew   
A beverage new   
And called his new drink Coca Cola. 

xxxxxx 

A Tatooine farmboy named Luke   
Once decided to learn how to cook   
He whipped up some dishes   
They tasted delicious   
Perhaps it was all just a fluke. 

xxxxxx 

A really strange hairdo had Leia   
Could even defy gravity, ya?   
This poem is bad   
The rhyming is sad   
Like in this line, you see ah?

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That's it for the moment. Review! ;P

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Thanks for reviewing - **Asha Ice** (Okay, ask your band friends. ;D), **The Hobbit Lass**, **nidriel** (falling off chairs is dangerous), **Dovasary** (uh, what's with the chickn' grease?), **dhibi**, **aurorawolf** (off-topicness is the point. ;P), **Padfoot Reincarnated** (here's more!), **HyperCaz** (so you burnt yourself?), **crossbow** (yep, that was the point), **Melenna** (PIZZA! Pavlov's dogs. Whee.), **Grim Reaper** and **randomidiot**. 

**Anakin-Padme:** Yep, I didn't have much idea to continue and I was just plain bored too; I wrote that while waiting for my mother, then she turned up and I just ended it. Argh, literature O-Levels for me in November... and no, I'm not doing well in literature in school. Did really badly in my mid-year exams. Just scraped a pass of 52.   
**scrb3331:** Only the first two Hitchhiker's books are really worth reading... the last three aren't that great. You're having flag day? Um, what's that got to do with anything?   
**ultra-violet-catastrophy:** Okay, I think you're the fourth person so far to review and say you like my penname. ;P Nope, I haven't died of boredom yet. There are more boring things in life. Like some classes in school. You know karate? Whoa. I don't. I thought it was Jeltz the Vogon... Oh, and quite a lot of people don't think much of my poetry. I tend to get rejected a lot from poetry competitions and stuff, because mine aren't abstracty enough and can actually be understood. 


	6. The Planets

Whoa, this has been a year... Sorry for taking so long!

Disclaimer 1: _Star Wars_ is not mine, and is probably not yours either. If it is, hi Geroge!

Disclaimer 2: Uh, I actually didn't want to post this because I'm hoping for my band to make this into a song and perhaps perform it one day... I've composed the music, but we've not actually played anything together yet. So... basically, the copyright here belongs to me and the rest of the band, so uh, no stealing (not that you should steal even the other poems)... There's also the fact that not all the lyrics - subjected to change and rearrangement - were written by me. The first stanza was completely my friend's work.

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**THE PLANETS**

Alderaan, oh Alderaan  
Orbiting around the sun  
Blown up by a star that stuns  
Oh dear, oh my, so much fun

Tatooine, oh Tatooine  
Miles and miles of sand be seen  
Sandy landscape has no green  
Twin suns heat is just so mean  
(Makes you crispy human bean)  
Tusken Raiders are so lean  
Must consume meat for protein  
Watch a baby Bantha ween  
By a flying limousine

Kamino, oh Kamino  
Lots of water down below  
Home of Boba and Jango  
Round the place, clones come and go  
Aliens moving to and fro  
Would be nice if there was snow  
Santa Claus goes ho ho ho  
Dead is Michelangelo

Dagobah, oh Dagobah  
Swampy place, you can't see far  
Luke in swamp makes fangirls AAHHH  
'Tis good place to dump Jar Jar, oh  
Yoda short guy, ha ha ha ha  
Llama llama  
Dagobah

Bespin, Bespin, oh Bespin  
That's where Luke met Anakin  
And found out that they were kin  
Luke yelled, "NO!" and caused a din  
(Chopping hands off is a sin)  
Always let a Wookiee win  
Lots of people like Ewan  
Ford Prefect likes drinking gin  
Keanu played Constantine  
We're just des'prate to keep rhymin'

(Instrumental)

(Change key)

Geonosis, oh Geonosis  
What a reddish planet, this  
Filled with things that spit and hiss  
Your sister, Luke, you should not kiss  
(When you take a piss, don't miss)  
"Obi-Wan is perfect bliss,"  
Says a smitten little miss  
George Lucas you should never diss  
(By the Force, is that Elvis?)

Hoth Hoth Hoth Hoth Hoth Hoth Hoth Hoth  
Stay warm, wrap yourself in cloth  
Please use white, don't be so Goth  
Tauntaun's mouth is full of froth  
(It has rabies, by my troth!)  
Look, here comes the great grand moth  
Flying fast and heading north  
Just to freeze up in mid-air  
And the rhyming's _dead!_

Kessel Kessel Kessel yay  
Miners work there everyday  
Mining spices for no pay  
Poor lil' slaves have got no say

Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant  
Jedi ghosts return to haunt  
"They do?"  
"They don't.  
"Well, they _do_ return to haunt,  
"But they don't go to Coruscant."  
Coruscant, Coruscant, Coruscant  
Dead Jedi go elsewhere to haunt.

Endor Endor oh Endor  
Han and Leia on the floor  
Doing things we should ignore  
Ergo we won't say no more.

(Instrumental)

**end.**


End file.
